Lianne and I watched “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” a couple of weeks ago and one of the characters said something that really made me think. Before I get into that, let me highly recommend this funny and poignant movie. It is well worth the time and is one of the best movies I have seen over the past few years. What impacted me most in the movie was when one of the main characters said that she didn’t believe in fairy tales. She said that she used to, but not any more. I realized, while watching the movie, that I don’t believe in fairy tales any more either.
As I think back, the first chink in my fairy tale faith surrounds Christmas, and no it’s not about Santa Claus. Instead it’s a realization I had in my late teens that Christmas morning just wasn’t the same as it was when I was a kid. Even though I knew Santa wasn’t real from an early age, there was still a sense of wonder, imagination, and excitement associated with Christmas that made it difficult to go to sleep on Christmas Eve. That feeling was gone by the time I turned 20, and I think it’s symbolic of how I feel about fairy tales today. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, that magical imagination that so many kids have just gradually disappeared.
So what does that have to do with fairy tales? Well, I guess I should define what a fairy tale is. A fairy tale is a story that first and foremost, has a happy ending. The story usually involves fate, or highly improbable chance. Fairy tales are oftentimes about friendship, family, and true love. It is romance. It is destiny. It is love at first sight. It is magic. A fairy tale is almost supernatural. It is forever.
My mind has a real hard time accepting any of that nowadays. When I see two people falling in love I see an emotional and chemical reaction that brings them together. Scientists have even identified a love molecule that causes those initial feelings that you have when you “fall in love”. I participated in my youngest brother’s wedding recently, and thoughts of true love and fairy tales were on my mind. I don’t want to demean anyone’s sweet and romantic story by relegating it to a simple bio-chemical reaction, but I guess that’s what I’m doing. I don’t think it makes the love that my brother Mark and his wife Rebecca feel any less real, it just makes it less mystical. In the same way, I think that a successful relationship continues and grows based on the decisions made by the couple, not based on some higher destiny that draws them together for the rest of eternity. Love is a formula, and if you get it right you get the right results. If you look around, there is far more heartbreak and broken relationships lying around than there are long lasting, happy romances. That’s because the formula for successful relationships take self sacrifice and perseverance, two qualities sorely lacking in today’s society. Psychologists have done numerous studies and have been able to more or less scientifically break down how people fall in love and stay in love. So, how can there be room for fairy tales in this world of hormones and chemicals, actions and reactions, heartbreak and perseverance? If that’s all there is to love, then anyone can fall in love with anyone else. There’s no destiny and there’s no “meant to be” about any of our relationships.
I have to admit that my own experiences and observations have added to my jaded perspective on love, romance, and fairy tales. When we first got married, I had always assumed that Lianne and I had something uniquely special in our relationship. In my mind I was the perfect example of a man who was smitten, shot through with cupid’s arrow, hopelessly in love. I’ve realized over the past few years that my actions don’t show that kind of hopeless love. Lianne’s actions haven’t either. Maybe I’ve just been expecting too much, but the ideal fantasy of a couple falling in love and living together in married, passionate, fantastical bliss is hard to shake. Why couldn’t my marriage be like the ones in the movies? Everyone told me that those feelings would fade eventually. When we were starting out, countless people told me that passion would fade, and even that as time passed, sex wouldn’t be that important. I held on to the belief that we were different, and that our passion would only increase. I can even remember trying to justify in Scripture the idea that Lianne and I would still be married in heaven. 🙂 Now, however, it seems like that type of fairy tale relationship doesn’t just happen.
Gee Bryan, all this stuff you’re writing is sad. It seems hopeless, and like you don’t love your wife. It’s like your life sucks. No, no, no, keep reading. Just because I don’t believe in fairy tales doesn’t mean I’m not going to live in a fairy tale anyway. That’s right, even now, I’m living a fairy tale life, and it’s only getting better.
So yeah, I just spent all that time bashing fairy tales, and yet here I am claiming that I’m living in one. You may be wondering how this can be possible. Well, I’m making it possible. Let me start by saying that Lianne and I are best friends. We never argue, we have beautiful kids, we have no financial worries, and we enjoy spending time with each other. Life is truly good. So what’s the problem? Well, it’s still not a perfect, fairy tale romance. I don’t have the same feelings for Lianne that I had when we were dating. I’m not nervous around her and I don’t try to impress her at every opportunity. I don’t think about her and write her love letters all the time. Our hearts don’t skip a beat when we see each other. We don’t experience and live out the kind of self sacrificing love that fairy tales are made of. I believe, however, that all of those things are my destiny, and I believe that I control my destiny.
The key is that destiny and fairy tale romances don’t just happen. It’s not pixie dust or wishing on a star. It’s not fate or chance. Instead it is a decision, an act of our will. It is a choice that we all have to make. It is indeed a simple fact of life, matter, and chemicals, but those are things that we can control with our decisions and actions. So, I’m going to MAKE this life and those chemicals do what I want them to do. I’m going to create my fairy tale. I’m going to choose my destiny.