Carman and Rush both passed away this week. Two men who had an impact on me during my high school and college years. The fact that I knew them by only their first names is evidence of their fame and influence in the circles I kept. While thinking about their deaths and legacies I realized that there was a common thread between both of them and the way my perceptions of them changed over the years. In each case, quite simply, I outgrew them.
I grew up in a traditional, charismatic home. Charismatic Christians emphasized spiritual gifts such as speaking in tongues and healing, along with a pretty strict understanding of morality. For those familiar with religious movements, my house was part of the Third Wave of the charismatic revival that began in the 1980s. Carman fit squarely within that spiritual warfare realm of Christianity. He blended rap, rock, and pop into a cheesy blend of spiritual fervor. He spoke powerful words about Jesus’ victory, about our dominion over Satan, and about turning away from sin. Middle school Bryan, trying to figure out how he fit in, loved the counter cultural message. I was different from most kids my age, in part because of Carman. The Champion and Revival in the Land were made for youth group skits, and I knew that as a child of God I had authority over every demonic force that would try to stand against me.
Gradually, my musical tastes changed, and my theological foundation crumbled to be rebuilt anew. Carman didn’t speak to that new me. I listened to emo and punk rock. Tooth & Nail replaced Sparrow. Seeking, questioning, and changing replaced the static faith of my youth. I no longer see demonic forces behind every evil nor do I believe that everything will always work out perfectly for those who believe in God. Life and spirituality are more nuanced than this. I outgrew Carman.
Similarly, in high school, I started getting very interested in politics. I was a diehard ditto head. I read Rush’s first book. I listened to his radio program all summer. In college, I remember sitting in the car, late for class, listening to the IEB Network. I was part of the club.
I argued with a friend for days and days about whether he should vote for Ross Perot in 1992. Like Rush, I was convinced that Bill Clinton’s election would be the end of America. I cried when Bill Clinton won. I started to notice however, that Rush’s conservative ideals seem to buckle in the face of partisan politics. It didn’t matter who was in charge, we were still moving toward more government and less freedom. By 1996, the end of my college career, I had moved on. My job, my new family, and my music were all more important than whichever narcissist was sitting on the throne in DC.
I listened to Rush a little bit last year and it struck me how his views hadn’t changed a bit. I guess there’s something commendable about sticking to your convictions, but his tone struck me as simplistic and even childish. The tribal structures of us vs them don’t work for me anymore. I couldn’t connect with anything he was saying. I outgrew Rush.
I’m happy with my growth. I think I’m a better person now than I was 30 years ago. I don’t say this to demean those who have left us. I’m still very fond of Carman and Rush. They were good for me at the time. However, I don’t ever want to be so convinced of my rightness that I’m unable to learn something new. Einstein said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” By definition, the only way to become a better person is to change the person you are right now. I hope that 30 years from now I’ll be a different man. I’d like to look back on this blog, shake my head, and say, “RIP, To Who I Once Was.”